What are you really hungry for?
When I was overweight – no matter how much food I ate – the sensation of hunger was never far away. Every meal was hurried. I ate as if I was ravenous; quickly filling my belly to hide the evidence that I was a ‘pig’.
I would spend most of my time during the day thinking about food while trying to avoid it.
The hunger made me crave all the wrong foods… and they always somehow made me feel better. I didn’t always feel ‘well’ after eating those foods, but for a short time I didn’t feel so empty.
Then at night time my cravings and frustrations would overtake me. I ate with gusto and consumed most of my daily calories at dinner. I ate mostly alone and in secret, out of shame and fear of being judged.
I hurried through my food so fast that afterward, only minutes later, I wouldn’t even remember what I had eaten. My thoughts were always focused on something else – anything else but what I was eating.
I certainly didn’t taste my food. My mouthfuls were large and hurriedly swallowed – there was little chewing involved. I simply didn’t give any attention to taste or texture. I couldn’t even remember what I had eaten, which made me think I was still hungry and led to more eating later.
Every meal was vague and forgettable. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to pay attention or be mindful or aware. To distract myself I ate at the bench, in front of the TV, out of the fridge, over the stove. Anywhere but the kitchen table where I could sit down and actually enjoy my food; slowly chewing each small mouthful, tasting all the flavours and aromas, feeling the sensations as they tickled my tastebuds and comfortably made the journey down to my stomach, leaving me satisfied and content.
I didn’t know how to eat like that back then. I ate mindlessly – on autopilot – reaching for more to keep swallowing my emotions.
The ironic thing was that when I was overweight, I really hated eating and just wanted it over and done with as quickly as possible. Food and eating were a problem for me that I wanted to go away in a hurry.
I felt awful when I ate and awful when I didn’t. Thinking about it all the time consumed me and weighed me down even more than the scales. I hated it; felt anxious and distressed by it. Yet I was starving.
I felt hateful inside. I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror and I was convinced that no one else liked what they saw either. I was trapped in a body I hated and my poor mistreated vessel felt my overwhelming hatred down in every cell of my being.
My cells were starving too and my body treated me the same way I treated it – with neglect and contempt. It weighed me down with lethargy, sluggishness and hunger.
A dark fog surrounded my thoughts, concealing the longing for something more. I wanted to care but I didn’t know how. Giving up and sinking deeper into my despair seemed so much easier.
Until we can address the real reasons why we feel empty, alone, scared or angry, no amount of food will fix how we feel…
It wasn’t until I started looking at myself differently: When I noticed others paying attention to what I said more than what I looked like; When I felt like who I was becoming mattered more than what I ate; After I realised how empty my life had become and that I was trying to fill it up with food.
All the years I spent consuming all the food I could eat, I was really trying to feed my heart. I felt alone and empty, worthless and invisible.
Because I didn’t love myself the way I looked, I thought nobody else could love me that way either.
Whatever life circumstances made me feel that way, food was not the answer.
Therefore, the question I needed to ask myself was, “What am I really hungry for?”
When we seek to have our needs met in food, the real hunger remains silenced and starved.
Find out what you’re really hungry for, and feed your mind, body, soul and heart that. Once you fill that void inside, you’ll have a greater ability to start living your life.
When we starve ourselves, we slow our metabolism, unbalance our hormones, and deprive our brains and muscles of nutrients, vitamins and minerals needed to function correctly and maintain our health and wellbeing.
By starving ourselves, we’re effectively telling our bodies that we aren’t caring for it and food is scarce. Yet when we can no more suffer the cravings and compulsive desire for something, anything more, we then stuff it full and confuse it. The body sucks as much as possible out of that one massive meal and stores it as fat to help it survive throughout the next stressful famine.
Our bodies deserve the same amount of love and care that we just might be lacking in our hearts and minds. Tend to your heart first and surround yourself with the support and guidance you need to begin your healing from the inside out. Only then can you start to awaken from the mindless eating and fear of food overtaking your thoughts, and feel satisfied that you are already full.
Love and Recovery
Viki xo
Find help on my Eating Disorders page and start nurturing yourself to balanced health.
About Viki
Viki Thondley is a Holistic Health Counsellor, Wellness Coach, Meditation Teacher, Stress Educator, and Eating Disorder & Lifestyle Specialist. Recovered from bulimia nervosa and the many years of hormonal imbalances, food challenges and self-sabotaging behaviours’, Viki now provides holistic personalised programs and retreats to inspire self-love, healing, body confidence and wellbeing. Viki’s passion is to help you balance your mindset, body and life to become happy, healthy, confident and free!
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